days 6 & 7

Wow this weekend has been really difficult both food and fag wise.

Saturday daytime was easy because both so busy at work.

Saturday night was just terrible Kel was desperate for food and I was really craving cigarettes and it was impossible to do anything to support each other so we argued! Guess I could have predicted it really - it was bound to happen at some point. The lesson learned is that visualisation of yummy food and imagining eating it only works for me - definitely not Kel!!

Sunday day we stayed in bed as long as poss so as not to crave our usual weekly treat of cooked breakfast.

Went to the replacement Cambridge Diet Counsellor (CDC) - ours is on holiday for 2 weeks. Not impressed. Don't get me wrong, she was a lovely lady and it was a lovely setting but not a good experience. While we were there I wasn't really as bothered but the more I've thought about it the more awful i think it was.

After asking us the normal how have you got on questions she then asked what would we be doing for the second week! Hardly motivating us to do SS is it! Felt like saying 'well I think I'll be mostly having quarter pounders with cheese'. Then when we said we'd be doing Sole Source for at least 4 weeks then maybe Add A Meal on week 5 then back to SS etc she seemed genuinely surprised and went on about how not many people manage it! Honest to God what a let down.

Things went from bad to worse really when we couldn't find out how much we'd lost this week because (a) the scales weren't the same as our usual CDC's and (b) they weren't good enough to weigh my weight. You can just imagine how good I'm feeling about that right now - writing it is making me cringe.
To top it all off she advised us that if we really really struggle we could have a bowl of vegetables with the veg soup on top (not so bad) but then she took some crackerbread out of her cupboard and said you can try these they're only 19 calories and lovely with low fat phili!!!!!! OMG !!

To my mind she can't understand how this diet works - I said to her that that surely would bring us out of ketosis and she said 'oh yes' like that was ok! My basic understanding of why this diet works and the main reason I have been able to abstain is that ketosis burns fat and has the side effect of stopping the worst of the hunger pains and that if you eat carbs or too many of any calorie then you will come out of ketosis - start storing water, putting on weight and be incredibly hungry!

I can understand a CDC advising you that if you are losing the will to live (lol) then go ahead and eat veg or lean protein rather than fall of the wagon. But to advise us to have crackerbread - nasty cardboard crap thats all carbs - its just wrong surely. God we've got to go back next week to get our provisions. Mind you she has got an adorable dog for me to play with!

The rest of the afternoon was rubbish for me coz I was bored being on my own - lew in Anglesey and kel at work. I used to love having the house to myself. It was a really rare treat that i would long for and savour. Not so anymore. I was really lonely, bored and de-motivated. Thinking about that makes me feel weird. I have been so independent as a single Mum for all these years and now whats going on? lol co-dependency? argh lmao I think I'm loving it really!! very strange!

I've done something stupid. On the way to pick Lew up I went into a shop and bought 10 fags. Its not as though i was with smokers and caved or was particularly stressed - i just don't understand why for once i couldn't talk myself out of it. I knew exactly what I was doing - i didn't need to be in the shop for anything.
I don't want to tell Kel because i want to show her its easy!! lmao and I can't tell Mum because she's just given up as well and don't want to encourage her fall off the wagon. Just spoken to her on the phone - lied, so now feel doubly shitty.

Kel came home off the late shift and immediately confessed to having had a small piece of chicken!!! So i confessed my sin and we had a bit of a laugh, cry, cuddle moment!

Now that I'm writing this I'm thinking that possibly the experience at the CDC effected our ability to abstain. But don't want to make excuses its no-ones fault but our own. The only thing we can do now is climb back on the horse! Tomorrows another day.