Ups and Downs

we've been struggling to stay on track the last couple of weeks. The pattern seems to be get weighed on a Sunday and eat Sunday and Monday night. Not good. And even worse eating hasn't just been limited to chicken salad this time. We've been visited by our good old friends chocolate and chinese. A bit of a disaster as far as ketosis is concerned. Wierdly the chinese wasn't anything like i remembered/ imagined, my palate must have changed. I cant say that i particularly enjoyed it for its taste - just the naughtiness of it. The chocolate on the other hand was DIVINE!
Looking at the positive side both weeks we have managed to get control and get back into the Cambridge diet relatively quickly. Our total weight loss to date is
munch 6stone 10lbs
kel 5stone 3lbs
probably best to focus on that positive news rather than the food!

At the beginning of this diet we were adamant that we wouldn't eat any other time except our eating weeks and even though Xmas fell on our eating week we would stick to Cambridge rules and not have carbs. Oh how we've changed! Its kels work do tomorrow so we are going and we are going to eat, there's a Xmas dinner party at friends on Sunday and we are going to eat there too, then we'll do ss until Xmas eve and then have a carby meal with mum, Xmas day we'll be as good as possible and just eat meals - no snacking on chocs or nuts - but there is no way i'm not eating my mums incredible Xmas cake and i'm not resisting the baileys either! Then we might eat on boxing day then ss until new years day wen we are having friends round. A bit different from our initial intentions! I'm not worried though which i was at the beginning. Before my mind was very black and white. either i sole soured or i overate. there was no middle ground of eating normally. And even though we have broken the diet and eaten, which i would class as addictive behaviour, i don't feel like I'm going to eat addictively through Xmas. I might be in complete denial but i feel as if we have eaten addictively in the last few weeks simply because we have been without food for so long and that if we did the version of Cambridge where you can have an evening meal we wouldn't have behaved the same. Not that i think I'm able to do that version long term and still lose weight - i know damn well I'm not capable of that yet without overeating eventually , but i think I'm now in control enough to be able to cope with carbs a few days over Xmas and still get back on cd ss for the rest of the weight loss. I hope i can anyway - there is a little monster in my right now saying 'but if you are eating on Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday why bother doing ss on Monday and Tuesday'. I'm not listening - he only knows how to behave addictively - i can chose to ss Monday and Tuesday so shut up! Does this diet shrink your brain? i sound like a right nutter!

oh and that terrible rumour has come true for me - my hair is dropping out at an alarming rate! its fine for me because I've got far too much anyway and its really thick hair but its very messy - it gets everywhere! kel is distinctly unimpressed with it 'dirtying' the house lol!

interesting article from the times online

From The Times
December 18, 2008

Tackle child obesity: teach mums to eat
A leading campaigner on food and fat has a simple solution for the Chief Medical Officer
Susie Orbach
Dear Sir Liam Donaldson,
You've been alerting us to the obesity time-bomb for nearly a decade.
And quite rightly. Obesity is the manifestation of a food- and size-obsessed society that most shows us we are in trouble where eating is concerned. The latest information from the EarlyBird Diabetes study of 233 children from birth to puberty, published in the journal Paediatrics, shows that one in four children aged 4 to 5 in England is overweight despite normal birth weights. But, says Terry Wilkin, the study's lead researcher, it is difficult to know what is causing the upsurge.
Difficult? Well perhaps. But not that difficult. You don't have to be a psychoanalyst to know that childhood is formative and that one's earliest eating experiences - entwined as they are with our fundamental feelings of security, love, attachment and caring - form the basis of how we approach food and succour throughout our lives.

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Mothers strive to and want to give their children all that is best and most reassuring. But in many cases, this doesn't happen because mothers themselves are troubled by erratic eating, fear of food, preoccupation with body size, frequent dieting, and its sister - bingeing.
Babies and children mimic. That is a crucial part of how they learn. So it is surely no wonder that if babies or toddlers pick up on a fraught atmosphere around feeding and eating, they will take that as the norm. And it shouldn't surprise us that when the children become more independent eaters they will reflect what they have learnt not only in their eating choices, but in the emotional feelings of safety, anxiety, fear, pleasure or satisfaction that go with food.
People don't eat compulsively because they are hungry. People don't eat excessively because they forgot to exercise or balance their calorie output against their calorie input. People don't eat more than they need because they are just plain ignorant or bolshie.
People eat when they aren't hungry because they are bored, anxious, angry, conflicted, nervous, sad or overexcited. They reach out for something cheap and tasty that feels momentarily like a treat; something that takes their mind off what hurts. The upset feelings don't get dealt with; they sit there and the next time they emerge, the person will again turn to food for soothing.
This behaviour is learnt when we are little - whether it is by being rewarded with food, by being given food to cheer us up after falling down or by observing a mother who is constantly dieting but then eats off a child's own plate. Food becomes not food but something imbued with magically comforting properties.
Sir Liam, you are calling for early interventions. Thank goodness. But is anyone in the Department of Health listening? Will they now? For at least ten years, I have been pestering the department (as, I imagine, have others) with economical, nay cheap, plans to provide support to help new mothers not pass their eating problems on to their babies. Helping mothers to come to grips with their own eating difficulties is surely the sanest and most effective way to help two generations in one go.
It's not difficult to see how to train midwives and health visitors to take a more nuanced and psychobiological approach to expectant and new mothers so that their eating attitudes, habits and psychological issues are addressed rather than their being told to feed on the right breast for ten minutes and then the left.
No disrespect to health visitors; I know that they want to help new mothers and their babies but at present they are undertrained and too rushed to take the time really to address what mothers and babies need.
But it needn't be so. Compared with the cost of treatments for obesity-related diseases later in life and what will inevitably become, in time, a lucrative pill for the pharmaceutical companies, it makes sense to spend some money now by employing more health visitors and extending their training so that they can underpin the crucial parenting job of introducing a child to food and eating in a relaxed manner.
Sir Liam, these are messages that the Government must take on board and work with alongside the often (but not always) sound nutritional policies that it disseminates. New mothers are keen to get it right for their babies. Let's help them to get it right for themselves and reverse their own, often unseen, eating difficulties.
And Sir Liam, about that taboo word obesity. I'm not so sure that you're right on why it rubs people up the wrong way. It could just be that calling obesity a disease rather than a description of size, castigating rather than understanding people's complex relationship to food and patronising them with oversimplified slogans about “energy in, energy out”, makes the kind of changes that you would like to see in our attitude towards weight seem unappetising.
So please, Sir Liam, can I talk to you about implementing some programmes that stand a good chance of addressing the eating problems that beset so many - and that are contributing to the epidemic in the next generation.
As Erasmus told us nearly 500 years ago “young bodies are like tender plants, which grow and become hardened into whatever shape you've trained them”. He wasn't wrong where it comes to food. So let's train people to relish it rather than fear or laud it.
Yours in frustration and hope, Susie Orbach
Susie Orbach is author of Fat is a Feminist Issue and Bodies, to be published by Profile in January

good news - hurrah

at last! i'm now 18st 13. I am under 19 stone which i havent been for 12 years, basically since mini munch was born! I am so chuffed. last week was really difficult but i did what i said i would and had chicken salad for a few nights until by friday i felt ok to sole source. In total i have lost 6 stone 3lbs. definitely a huge achievement! yea me! A neighbour that we rarely see much of came over to talk to me this morning to tell me how different i look and to say how happy he was for me lol! loving it today!

control

so monday and tuesday were awful after the ikea debacle on sunday. the addictive behaviour kicked in big time. I've talked about it (as all good self therapists should lol) and i think the fact that i ate in front of mum, she didnt really understand that eating week doesnt involve chips, made me feel all powerful and like i was 'getting away with it'. it gave me that buzz that secret eating used to. ON sunday night i had no idea that what i was saying about there being another 4 week stint till xmas and how motivated i felt about ss was just complete piffle. Monday night i binged. proper addictive behaviour. Tuesday i had all the good intentions in the world and was fine all day and yet the minute kel left for work that night i binged. again.
So my decision has been to follow the advice i'd read numerous times. if you are struggling to get back to ss then work down the plans. That doesnt mean i'm going to go up the plans tho first lol. the highest plan for me (other than at ikea) is add a meal so thats what i did last night. a very strict chicken, lettuce and cucumber. it worked. during the day if i had the addictive food thoughts they were easily banished with thoughts of the chicken to come. and after the salad i was fine too. a bit hungry but no binge. mind you kel was home so its much easier to stay on the str8 and narrow! Tonight is going to be the same and then i'm not sure about friday - we'll see how strong i feel. kel will be at on the late shift again. if on friday daytime i start having naughty thoughts about kel being out and nobody knowing what i eat then i will plan to have a salad. the thing about planing to eat as opposed to binging is a self esteem issue. if i plan to eat and plan a strict cambridge meal then when i eat it and nothing else with it the effect is positive. i feel good about myself. i took control and put a plan in motion so that i didnt binge. the effect of binging on your self esteem is the complete opposite and when you feel so low and have 'failed' its far to easy to do it again.

Slippery slope

well whoever thought it would be fine to go to ikea and have meatballs and chips was very wrong. very wrong indeed. its so hard to get back to ss. i really want food. not just because i'm proper hungry (thats what coming out of ketosis does to you) but just because food is out there - it should be eaten. by me. now. ARGH. its just so hard.

The Beach Hut in November

we're staying the night in a B&B in Holyhead so that we are already in anglesey ready for our big day touring round tomorrow looking for a reception venue. The best bit is that its add a meal week so we have been able to go out for a meal - hurrah! we had a gorge chicken and brie salad yum! tomorrow we are having a cooked breakfast - well its a B&B - we can't just do the 1 B! this is where we are staying.

Week 13 Wi

Hurrah I've lost 9lbs this week. I've really tried hard to get enough fluid because last week i really struggled. Its just to cold to be drinking loads of water - it made me feel all freezing inside. So i got us both a smallish thermos flask and we are having brews or warm weak juice instead. It seems to have worked anyway. I'm now 4 lbs off a total of 6 stone! My Bmi is 41 and I'm in another stone marker, god 19 something sounds good to me, well much better than 25 something! we've been doing lots of wedding planning and haven't spent anytime this week thinking about the diet at all. That's feels really good because it means that food or lack of isnt my main focus and that's how i want it to be when i stop this crazy diet. I want to just think about food when its the time to like making shopping lists and making tea - not all day every day like i had been. Unfortunately it means i have stayed away from minimins and that's probably not a great thing to do to my team - think I'll head over there now and explain.

week 12 wi

Hurrah - I've officially lost 5 stone! I started at 25st 2 and my bmi was 53 and 3 months later i am now 20st and my bmi is 42! Obviously there is still a way to go - i'm still obese but i feel fantastic, and i know i can and will get to goal. Been having a much better time this week already. I have not been going on the minimins forum for the last couple of days and i have stopped thinking about this diet so much. All i could think about was the Cambridge Diet - i felt suffocated by it. So I'm having a break from thinking about it and I'm just doing it!
I have set up a wedding blog because Kel was filling the pc with pictures and ideas i thought it would be nice for her to have one place to keep it all and be able to find it again. In doing it I've found some fantastic wedding sites out there really inspirational. Check out our blog at http://munchieswedding.blogspot.com/

oh and i finally stopped smoking on Saturday so that makes a grand total of 4 days so far. The Champix have really helped and they don't make me feel sick anymore. bonus!

No More Munching

Ok well time to be honest, I’ve had a really bad week work has been a complete nightmare so stressful and my hormones are all over the place. I’ve got my period something I never used to have and it is making me deal with new issues. You may be thinking hang on this is a classic over eater here, finding any kind of reason to excuse her stuffing her face. I hear you and reply...yes you’re probably half right. For the most part though I felt like my body was begging me to eat something and it wasn’t like I thought oh I’ll have a planned day off like the women do on the forum which you know infuriates me. I just wanted to eat and I made my peace with that and just did it. So what did I eat? It was mainly bread but I didn’t eat in an addictive way I just had a sandwich for lunch or a pasty then I joined in the tea and biscuits with the girls at work a couple of days. I just wanted to take some time out and I don’t feel too bad. I made it to week 12 for heavens sake. The worst thing was keeping it from munch, it wasn’t just because I thought she would be royally peed off but more that she might give up too, anyway in the end of course I had to tell her keeping secrets is something we find impossible to do good or bad. Anyway she was just really worried I might give up, but I explained I feel ready to get back to it now. It really was just like I needed to be normal for a while and as you know I’d been obsessively thinking about food for ages and I feel like I’m over it now and can continue on excited to lose again.

Ps. Much to Munch’s annoyance I actually lost 5lb

day 80! by munch

Well i cant say that I've enjoyed this last couple of days! working on yourself 'therapy' style is bloody emotional and draining. I've felt withdrawn and miserable and not really a useful member of society. Kel hasn't exactly been a barrel of laughs either as you can see from her post lol! I have been functioning on autopilot almost - like I'm present but not really with it lol. Anyway today is another day and i feel a damn site more 'normal'. Kel and I have been doing lots of talking about our issues with the world and food. we are so different, even though we both deal with problems and bad feelings by stuffing them down with food, our issues are completely different and so we need to talk to understand each other.

This week i went to aerobics, we both went for the 1st time last week but Kel couldn't come coz of work so i went on my own! yea me! I really enjoyed it, the only thing that bothers me is leaving mini munch home alone. Anyway there was a young girl there doing the class with her mum so i asked the instructor and Lew can come and do it next week! when i got home i was still really energised so i taught him the routine. - to be told it was 'well easy' and i should try doing p.e at school as that's much harder lol

On Sunday just gone we went to a gay wedding fayre! Despite the trauma of navigating the stupid one way and pedestrian only streets of Manchester city centre and the 'too close for comfort tram incident' - a lovely time was had by all 3 of us! Kel enjoyed it because, well it was a gay wedding fayre and that's like her all consuming passion at the mo. Lew enjoyed all the free nibbles - (we didn't enjoy the sugar induced annoyance on the way home). I enjoyed meeting an amazing photographer Damian Hall and whilst we were telling him our basic wedding plan i realised 2 things:
1. OMG we are getting married.
2. Our wedding sounds brilliant - i really want to go lol

The other great find for me was a woman called Sue who lives nearby and runs a Reiki circle in our village - small world eh! Anyway it seemed like too much of a coincidence and a bit 'guided' so i went to the 'circle' last night. I had no idea what to expect having only had Reiki on a 1 to 1 basis before. I was really nervous - mostly about finding the right place lol so i made kel take me!! Anyway it was lovely and i'll definitely go every week. We started with the healing circle which is distant healing to yourself and anyone else you place in the circle. Kel had no idea what i would do there and yet she said while i was there (and placing her in the circle lol) she went for a lie down and felt a great sense of calmness weird huh? After that we had some dowsing - never done it before, really enjoyed it! We did a great colour meditation that works on your aura and then the session was finished by giving and receiving healing. I just received - no where near ready to give yet - lol total performance anxiety!

Discombobulated

I don’t know what is going on lately I feel really stressed and horrible I don’t know whether it is work, money, home life or all of the above. I kind of feel like I’m trying to be normal but then munch points out that I’m not being so I get all confused I know that I’m irrational and perhaps needy I cant explain it! I just keep thinking I was so much happier when I was eating food I’m sure that’s not true and its just the demons inside telling me that to make me eat but I do feel like if me and munch sat down to a big plate of Chinese tonight it would make us happy again even for 5 mins. Munch is really miserable too I think she is going through the same thing, she is getting annoyed at the slightest thing I feel like I cant say anything right and she has said that to me too so I know its the same. The trouble is we have an amazing relationship as I’m sure close followers will know and so rarely argue that I think it’s throwing us all off. Munch is amazing with advice and much better than me but she says I never talk to her but I feel like all I ever do is talk about myself and never listen to her.

You may be wandering why I’m airing our personal issues on this blog. Well it’s because of this diet and the fact we are having to face our overeating demons (even if we can’t pinpoint what they are) that I believe this is happening. I know that I’m still an overeater I prove this to myself by eating too much on aam week and also thinking constantly about food so I guess this is why I’m behaving like this. I’m so proud of munch she looks incredible and has lost so much I’m proud of myself too and would never have thought either of us could do this so why is everyday not a party...I don’t know but I know that I love my gorgeous girlfriend more than ever and I’m sure we will work it out.

AAAAHHHHHHHH

I can’t stop being a food addict I think about food and how much I want it all the time. I want chips from the chippy with mushy peas and fish finger butties I want a pizza and garlic bread I want a lamb tikka balti with mushroom rice and garlic naan, and of course all these are accompanied by a bottle of merlot. I even want simple things like a tuna mayo baguette or a sausage roll. I think about eating so much I feel like my heads going to explode. Munch says to listen to these cravings acknowledge that they are there but tell them I’m ignoring them. Okay well I’ll give it a try but its getting louder and louder. You would think by now it would be getting easier but its just sooo hard...Why! I’m doing so well I haven’t given in to these cravings so why haven’t I conquered them by now. I’m now reading Eating Less by Gillian Riley so I will let you know if it helps.

Shrink Yourself

My new book has arrived 'Shrink Yourself' - Break Free From Emotional Eating by Roger Gould, M.D the guy who wrote the previous articles.

From what I've read so far, which isn't much coz I'm at work, it looks like its going to be really helpful. I've just read a bit that discusses one of the main reasons i have never stuck to any other diet plan like WW or SW.
He points out that as an EE (emotional eater) I am used to the immediate payoff that food gives. Whatever the problem or feeling the second i eat i will feel immediately better than i did. But, he explains, the reward you get from dieting - losing weight, happens slowly over time. So no matter how motivated you were at the beginning of the diet, after a while in your head you start to evaluate the future benefits of being slim versus the immediate payoff of overeating.
For me that has generally happened about 2 months in to whatever plan i was on. I would have big enough losses for the first 2 months (usually about 2 stone) to be enough of a reward to keep motivated and not need to overeat to feel better but there would always be that one week where you get weighed and you have only lost a pound or 1/2 pound and i would think that at that rate it would take me years to lose all of the weight. That would be it for me - straight to the take-away for the immediate relief that food brings. Then I would fall into the shame spiral and not go back to the plan/class. And the next thing i know i have gained that 2 stone i lost and another 2 as well.
Well on Cambridge i have got past that 2 month mark and by doing this work on emotional eating i have had a small loss week and i haven't relapsed back to the food to make me feel better. Yea me!


Its not till writing this post that I've understood the book title - SHRINK yourself - not just because you'll lose weight but because you will be your own therapist i.e shrink!!!

More reading on Food Addiction

Feeling ok today but not as good as I could. Just been having a look online for more help in dealing with food addiction or compulsive eating or whatever name you choose to give it. Thought i'd start how I tell lewis to start any of his research - look it up on Wikipedia! From there i found The Something Fishy Website! and thought the Recovery Toolbox page quite helpful so i've summarised as best as i can below and tried as much as possible not to just quote it because actually writing it out helps me to absorb it better!


Your Recovery Toolbox:
Recovering from food addiction is not just about losing the required amount of weight and learning to eat in a healthy way. There are other things to deal with along the way that are just as important. Something Fishy states

there are many things to address while working towards your own recovery... The items in your Recovery Toolbox are some of them.

What needs to be in the toolbox:

The Issues & Feelings Viewfinder:
This is saying that your condition is not about weight and food, that food is the 'drug of choice' and weight the symptom of something much deeper that is triggered by your feelings and issues. See earlier post here for more info.
This article is saying that in your recovery 'toolbox' you need a 'viewfinder' to examine and see clearly every single issue that feeds your addiction.
And then you need to be willing to explore and express those issues so that you can heal from them.

You will need to learn to identify your own negative emotions and what triggers negative thinking. Ultimately, you need to learn to identify and cope with the stress in your life and the emotions that you feel.

The site suggests that the best methods to uncover your underlying issues are Therapy, Support groups, buying self-help books and workbooks, going to self-esteem seminars, and journaling or blogging about how certain people and relationships, the choices you have made, and past major events have shaped your life. I would also work through the exercises from this earlier post.

The True-Voice Megaphone:
This tool to recovery is all about 'using your voice'. What it means is that you need to learn the ability to clearly express how you really feel in order to get the benefits.

to express what it is that you are feeling, to be able to communicate effectively with others what it is you need, what it is you lack, what they can do to help. You have to be able to tell someone you are feeling insecure. You need to learn to say "I'm feeling sad today, I could use a hug."

Something Fishy's suggestions for how to learn to express yourself are:

taking risks to just say how you feel to someone you trust. Sometimes it will be to write a letter to someone, expressing your emotions. A good place to start is in a journal, in therapy or a support group, or even in an online support forum.

The key point this article makes is that 'this is your TRUE-voice megaphone.' Talking simply about weight and food issues means that are limiting your TRUE voice and what it is that you are really feeling and going through

You may have spent many years translating your problems and emotions into
concentrated discussion on weight and food... you must learn to find your TRUE
voice beneath the symptoms of your Eating Disorder.

A Coping Bank:
As has already been mentioned having a food addiction or being an emotional or compulsive eater isnt really about food. Food is used like a medicine to cope with whatever it is that is bothering us.

you use your food behaviors to ...COPE with whatever is eating you up inside.

And once we have discovered our real feelings and issues its imperative to find new methods of coping, new skills to deal with whatever life throws at us.

It is a difficult slow process, but without the process
of learning healthier coping skills, you're left with nothing as a healthy replacement for a set of really unhealthy behaviors.

Essentially the idea of 'A Coping Bank' is to learn new coping techniques and then file them away in our minds ready for the next time we need to use them. Something Fishy advise actually making a physical Coping Bank as a extremely useful therapuetic tool. Click here for instructions

A Glass That's Half-Full:

Its hard to summarise this when its written so well!

Constantly thinking "I can't do it" will set you up for something
called "self-fulfilled prophecy", which means you predict and carry out your own future. You do have the ability to create your own success. If you are constantly thinking negatively about yourself and what you need to do, you only make it all the harder a task... and it becomes all the easier to just give
in to your negative thinking. Being a negative thinker may seem "natural", but learning to give yourself credit, to look for the positives in yourself, and to say "I can do this" is an essential part of recovery.

Their suggestions for help with having a glass half full attitude:
Making a gratitude list every day e.g "Today I'm thankful for [fill in the blanks]"
Getting a different perpective from friends and relatives
Surrounding yourself with supportive people can help.
Something as simple as a bumper sticker on the ceiling above your bed that says "I CAN DO IT"
Find creative ways to be your own cheerleader,
and to ask for reassurance when you're having a hard time.

I struggle with this topic a little - mainly because I am very much a glass is half full kind person so find it difficult to see it from the negative point of view.

Support Network:
Something fishy's article says that a vital tool in your battle towards recovery is a support network made up of people who you trust to listen to your feelings, who will actively encourage your recovery; Who will help you to understand how you can help yourself and encourage you to solve your own problems.

This network could contain a therapist, a support group, a close friend, a spouse or partner, a family member, or online support from a forum (such as minimins.com) they can all be supportive in your fight for self discovery and recovery.

Ask friends to make you accountable. Ask family members to ask you how you really feel when you start harping on weight and food. Ask your spouse to listen to your insecurities. Ask anyone willing to support you to listen, and ask them
for what you need.

Personal Responsibility Checklist:

This is direct from the article - maybe because i couldnt summarise it or maybe because this has taken far longer than i thought and i cant be a*rsed now!

Ultimately, you are responsible for your own recovery. Your
checklist is the way you learn to be accountable to yourself.

Am I doing my best to keep myself safe?
Am I surrounding myself with supportive people?
Am I trying to listen to healthy advice from supportive people?
Am I asking for what I need?
Am I getting what I really need by restricting/purging/binging?
Am I expressing how I really feel?
Am I doing the best I can right now?
Am I being honest with the support people in my life?
Am I being honest with my therapist?
Am I being honest with myself?
Am I asking for more help if I need it?

It is up to you to get what you need to recover. It is up to you to
ask for help to get what you need to recover. It is up to you if you take your meds (if necessary) and it is up to you to say they aren't working if they're not. It is up to you to show up for your therapy appointments, and it's up to you to be honest with your therapist and other support people in your life. AND if you are having a seriously hard time doing any of these things, it is up to you to say "I need more help here."
Everyone has the ability within themselves to recover.
Regardless of co-existing psychological illness, regardless of life
circumstance, everyone can improve their life by eliminating the part of them that says "I hate me" and by getting rid of an unhealthy coping mechanism such as an Eating Disorder.
Fill up your recovery toolbox,
reach out and ask for help,

and I know you can do it!

The Munch Summary

1. Forget food and weight and discover the real underlying issues
2. Discuss them to learn to express the truth to others and yourself
3. Find different methods other than eating to cope with the real underlying issues you have discovered
4. Have a positive attitude towards change and recovery
5. Look for help wherever you can find it
6. Accept responsibility for both your addiction and your recovery.

Little Monster

Today I have felt weird really wanted to eat didn’t feel like I had anything wrong on an emotional level felt fine new haircut and I love it and feel great, but just want to eat really badly like I would go the shop and buy something but why... I haven’t in the last ten weeks

Munch made me talk things through and gave me reasons as to why I feel like this she talked about the little food addict monster that’s inside me that has always been there and over the years he has built up an army of reasons to throw at me as to why I should eat for example I said to munch cos I hadn’t lost anything on aam week and sort of hit a plateau lately I felt like I could just eat cos I’d stopped losing anyway she made me see that the nasty little monster was telling me that and that had I have lost 5lb it would have still said hurray you have lost weight that means you can still eat. Munch discussed a lot of things with me but the main point I remember was she said that he has been there most of my life and I’ve only spent ten weeks trying to get rid of him so far, so I should give myself a break (don’t know why the nasty little monster is a man lol)

I’m still getting to grips with the fact that I have an addiction so a lot of the time I need munch to point out that I’m not a bad person and I’m not crazy I’ve just got a high mountain to climb I know she will hate me for saying this but she is amazing and so inspiring and always knows the right things to say she will make an incredible CDC, I’m so lucky to have her as a partner for Cambridge as well as for life.

AAMW

For me add a meal week is an opportunity to control food. After 4 weeks 'in rehab' with no temptation and lots of self-analysis its the week to put myself to the test. Its not about the nitty gritty of the food items i eat. I don't see a problem with having salmon instead of white fish. I'm not going to obsess about food - that's what my pre-cd head does. Its not a week where weight loss is the goal.
the week before aam, kel and i sit down with our notebook and make a plan of 7 meals that are exciting, nutritious, , very low (or no) carb, and low fat. But we don't adhere strictly to the cd manual. We plan as much detail as possible. we plan the portion size to be the size that a regular healthy person would have - not a dieter. We are very strict with ourselves on this point though and i visualise every meal as we plan it. We are very aware of our lack of portion control and that's why its vital for us to plan the week before. I couldn't decide the portion at the time of plating up -= that would be a recipe for overeating! We even plan when we will eat each meal and if it will be together. Kel decided that if she is on late shifts she has the evening meal for lunch and takes a cd pack for tea.

All of this planning is vital for us. AAMW is our 1 opportunity every 5th week to exercise some control over food. That isn't something that comes naturally to us so it requires work. Knowing what, how much and when we will be eating is the key to a successfull AAMW for us.

Munch and Kel's rules for AAMW

1. Follow the plan that was made the previous week.
2. Its ok to be excited about that days food but do not think about it constantly
3. Prepare and cook the meal without eating whilst doing it. Tasting what you are cooking is fine but not eating ingredients before they get to the table.
4. Eat the meal attentively - don't just wolf it down! Enjoy it. Recognise its healthiness. Finish the meal and be ok with that being the end of food for that day. Don't feel guilty about eating, just because you enjoyed it doesn't make it a sin.
5. do not eat anything that wasn't planned - just because you have food in the house this week doesn't mean you can eat it. Food isn't really calling you to be eaten as soon as possible - its for a planned meal.
6. At the end of the weeks weigh in try not to be concerned with the result. (practically impossible if you have gained though). If you sts or lose see it as a bonus. The real cause for celebration comes from achieving your aims of a week of being in control of food.

At this point we have had 2 lots of AAMW but we haven't yet succeeded 100%. My main problem is eating a few little bits while I'm cooking. Kel's problem is having food in the fridge that she is 'allowed' but eating it before the planned meal. This time round was much better that last time but we both obviously still have work to do. Even though i only ate some cucumber and lettuce whilst i was preparing the salad, which most normal people wouldn't see as a problem, for me that was overeating. It makes no difference what the food was. I ate compulsively. I was in a bad mood, i wanted food to anaesthetise me and even though i was aware of what i was doing, for that moment i lost control of food. I'm not going to let it get me down - I'm only 10 weeks into making radical changes to the last 17 years! Its going to take more time and by really evaluating and seeing my mistakes clearly it gives me stuff to work on so that eventually I'll be in control of food the majority, if not all of the time.

btw I lost 1lb!

68 days done and 68 days to xmas

its true folks! that means there is every chance we could loose tons more weight lol

the benefits of blog addiction

I love reading blogs especially from people who are in a similar situation.

2 posts in particular have really helped me today.

Firstly reading lose to gain's post really pleased me that someone else is working as hard as we are to understand our food issues. this week the forum has been getting to both me and kel - people posting 'oh no i accidently ate a big mac i hope i still lose this week, i'll restart tomorrow'. i might come across as being callous but these posts annoy me - i'm trying so hard and its not like i dont slip up but these posts give me the impression that people think this is just another diet. Its not! well it isnt for me. like i've said before for me this is rehab - thats a seriously big deal lol Its like someone in the Priory and working really hard all day to understand their coke addiction and prepare for the outside and someone else saying 'oops i just popped out and had a line - hope it doesnt send me back out of control' - you could surely understand why that would upset a few people! I might sound completely over dramatic but I dont really care! My food problem is life and death there's no under dramatising it anymore.

rant over! the other blog thats really helped me to day was the Lard Arms' post about how powerful feelings are when you dont have the anaesthetic of food. this is the comment i wrote (wow copy and paste is really lazing blogging lol)
Its so hard learning to deal with 'stuff' when you are so used to numbing pain with the soothing effect of food. All week i've been searching for a technique to you use to deal with my problems rather than using food like i did before. And you have said 'And since I am not eating the feelings away, I am really feeling the feelings!' and maybe thats the answer i need - that there is no technique - you have to just 'feel the feelings'. Maybe acknowledging them and really feeling them will help them to quieten down? Sorry for the waffle but i think you might have really helped me lol if i can just sort out the jumble in my head!

Lesson 3 answers from kel x

Here Goes

1. Can you identify a time when you began to seek food for comfort? What was happening in your life at the time? If you can't remember when you started using food for comfort, try to describe time when this habit intensified or became more severe.

I’ve never really understood this as crappy as it sounds I had a really happy childhood with no issues to speak of so I don’t know what the big trigger was or why I overate. I lived in a house with lots of people and little money so it was every man for himself. I guess we ate cheap food, chips with everything so that’s how I got chubby but I was never really fat.

Okay ignore all that cos I think I’ve just realised.

It started when I was a 13 I had shall we say an unwanted sexual experience and because of that I became promiscuous which I thought was the only side effect but actually this is when the weight crept on I think maybe I was trying to make myself unattractive to avoid further sexual advances but then if this the case why was I promiscuous it doesn’t really make sense I don’t get it. So at 13 I kind of went up stone by stone from what I can remember so like at 13 I was 13 stone and so on. The weight just crept up and up and I don’t know why. At 16 I got in a serious relationship with someone who worshipped me and did not care about my size and then in my 1^st year at Uni I was so lonely and so far away from home I think it probably got worse.

Its funny because I thought that none of these things affected me and I still don’t feel like I had a specific reason to comfort eat as emotionally I felt fine and have always though I got fat because no-one told me not to.

2. How would you feel if you had to give up the habit of eating when upset emotionally? Describe what your life might feel like. Part of you probably says that you'll be fine, but what does the other part say? What does the part of you that's scared of giving up emotional eating say?

I do have to give up emotional overeating there is no doubt about, its incredibly scary like giving up any crutch or habit such as smoking (which as you know I’ve managed to do) so you would think it would be easy. Its very daunting especially when even though I’m exploring the reasons I cant see them as being why I overeat now my life has never been more on track but I still cant stop. I cant wait for the day I can fancy a bar of chocolate and have one guilt free because I’ve not had one all week instead of not being able at all to have one like now or having 3 a day like before.

3. What part of your relationship with food are you in denial about? Which part would you rather not know about? How might you get this out in the open to yourself? What would happen if you did this?

For years I was in complete denial I even had a problem and I’ve only just come round to the idea very recently.

4. Which of the 12 types of emotional hunger do you suffer from most? What are some ways you could begin to change your habit of eating when faced with emotional hunger like this? I’m sure I’ve probably suffered from most of these types of emotional hunger at one time or another but right now I think it’s Type 1 which is learned behaviour, Type 7 and maybe 2 but embarrassingly the main one I suffer from is type 11. Will have to get back to you about why and its probably to long a story.

q's to lesson 3 - munches answers

1. Can you identify a time when you began to seek food for comfort? Yes I was 17. What was happening in your life at the time? I found out a family secret that was quite earth shattering at the time. I started using recreational drugs briefly and became a bit promiscuous. When I realised that it was making everything worse I discovers that secretly eating chocolate helped loads! If you can't remember when you started using food for comfort, try to describe time when this habit intensified or became more severe.

2. How would you feel if you had to give up the habit of eating when upset emotionally? – well there is no ‘if’ for me – I’ve already realised it’s a necessity. Describe what your life might feel like. Its as scary as can be – yesterday I had a bad day. I was low and knew that food would change my mood round but didn’t want to do it. The problem is I have no other coping mechanism yet so inevitably my mood got even worse. Part of you probably says that you'll be fine, but what does the other part say? What does the part of you that's scared of giving up emotional eating say? I would love to be like someone with no food issues - be able to eat because i'm hungry and eat anything because there is no guilt attatched and to be able to stop eating when i'm full (to even know what it felt like to be full would be a start!) I imagine having control over food to be very liberating but at the moment the thought of a future without my comfort blanket of chinese and chocolate cookies can be terrifying some days to be totally honest

3. What part of your relationship with food are you in denial about? Which part would you rather not know about? How might you get this out in the open to yourself? What would happen if you did this? Erm.. don’t know

4. Which of the 12 types of emotional hunger do you suffer from most? To begin with just 1 and 9. Some 17 years since I discovered the soothing effect of overeating I no longer have 9. Nowadays I would say 1 is the biggie but also sometimes 2, 3, 7 & 10. 10 is a weird one! I can distinctly remember a few years ago my mum saying I needed a gastric bypass and the minute she’d left I had an almighty bingefest all the while thinking ‘this’ll show you’ as if I was punishing her?! And only a couple of weeks ago when kel had quit smoking she called me from her night out and confessed having just had a cig – my first reaction was to eat to pay her back!! Ridiculous! What are some ways you could begin to change your habit of eating when faced with emotional hunger like this? Don’t know but I wish I did – on to lesson 4!