True to form

Wilson has just rang to say she has a prior engagement for tonight that she had forgotten about. Mind you she has let me know before I've bought food so i'll forgive her just this 'once ' lol. Actually I don't mind because it means i can go on the wii fit again lmao it's now letting me on it without making rude comments about me so last night I did an hour and a half! Dont get me wrong though - i had a couple of breaks throughout the night! I get REALLY sweaty doing the aerobic stuff pretty minging but i love it - especially the step plus one - I just need to beat Kels massive score!

"Eating Less" by Gillian Riley

This books is great. I'm on chapter 3 already lol. It makes a fantastic point about weight loss not being the primary goal but rather to make controlling the addictive eating the priority. I have always said that even though I am more than double the body weight i should be, it is the horrible way my mind works, the binging, guilt, depression cycle, that i have always found worse than just being fat. Its not just that being fat makes me feel bad - its the awful things i do, like lying about and hiding food, stuffing food in when i dont even want it, taking out my nasty mood on my loved ones, and the headaches and tiredness that I really want to end.

What Gillian is saying is that if weight loss is your primary goal then not only are you not really dealing with the main issue - like an alcoholic making his red face the thing he wants to be rid of rather than the actual act of drinking excessively: but also that weight loss can be the very reason that you become demotivated and overeat.

I'll confess about what made me so miserable last night and made me want to eat everything in the house. As planned I went on the Wii fit as soon as I got home and it said that I was too heavy to use it! Don't laugh! Its like that joke about a fat person getting on the scales and them saying 1 at a time please!!
Now I had been on the wii that morning and the night before so I flew off the handle and was distraught about what weight i must have gained during the day. I suppose I was especially distressed because it was my first day on add a meal and I had chicken salad for lunch. So what did I do? I went on the scales and they said 4lb up from what I weighed the morning before. Did I allow myself to think that you always weigh more in the evening than in the morning and thats why we all know to be consistent in our weigh in times? No. Did I feel good about having managed to leave my lunch till the alloted time rather than wolf it down early? No. I became wracked with guilt about eating - and the solution? Eat some more! So i had some chicken and veg (thank God thats all we have) And the result - a thoroughly miserable munch all night and when i woke up this morning I felt exactly the same.
I guess what i'm trying to say - none to elequently, is that yesterday I fell into the trap of prioritising my weight loss and therefore when the loss was in question I lost the motivation for doing CD so I overate.
I dont yet know the answers - but I do know that i'm putting the scales away tonight and i'll be focusing on not overeating when we have tea tonight. And when I achieve that i'll be basking in some positive self-esteem for having achieved todays goal. I am going to try to go on the Wii again tonight even though this morning i was adamant i wasnt going anywhere near it ever again and if it is rude (lol) I will just understand that my weight fluctuates and i have nothing to feel bad about because i have followed CD to the letter today and I will be able to go on the Wii again soon. So there!

Week 4 Weigh In and Start of AAM

I feel amazing! This week i have lost 8lbs which means I have lost 2st 8.5lbs in a month! I LOVE CAMBRIDGE!! lol It also means that I have finally been allowed on the Wii Fit! I've been dying to go on for ages so went on last night and loved it. So much so that I went on again first thing this morning instead of having a lie-in!! sooo unlike me!

Kel's weight loss this week has been incredible - 10lbs !! I'm so proud of her and she has quit smoking! 4 days now - and i wanted to be her inspiration for stopping lmao - its totally the other way round - i'm still puffing away. I'm going to go the no smoking clinic and get champix like she has.

Its the first day of Add a Meal (aam) today - hurray cant wait !! We are having a chicken salad with artichokes and roasted red peppers as well as the usual salad leaves and cucumber. I have made a dressing by watering down some mayo and adding a small amount of pesto - it has fat content obviously but no carbs so should be fine for staying in ketosis. I made it all last night so that we can have it for lunch today coz Kel working late tonight. I Will make a shake 'muffin' for supper when she gets in.

I am totally clock watching waiting for lunch time! Just goes to show that even with a month in 'rehab' the minute I am allowed food my food addict nature kicks in! I am determined not to eat it before 12 though - I will not give in to my addictive desire ( phrase I've picked up from minimins.com lol). So i'm distracting myself with drinking water and posting this blog and oh yeah - doing some work lol.